


Not Neutered, Should've Spayed: A Purr-fect Couple

by Zorak23



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bonding, Cats, Comedy, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Marriage, Other, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:54:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25071229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zorak23/pseuds/Zorak23
Summary: A drabble story written in ten parts.Please spay and neuter your pets;magic doesn’t always work.
Relationships: Crookshanks/Mrs Norris (Harry Potter)
Comments: 44
Kudos: 88





	Not Neutered, Should've Spayed: A Purr-fect Couple

**Author's Note:**

> A drabble is supposed to have exactly 100 words.  
> That wasn't quite enough.
> 
> As always, Black Lives Matter, trans rights are human rights.

“I demand to know which student has a Kneazle, Dumbledore! That’s the only way a tomcat could have circumvented the Charm to get Mrs Norris up the duff!” Argus Filch was absolutely livid that his sweet cat was pregnant. Heads would roll, as far as he was concerned. 

“Now Argus, surely you can see this as a good thing? All children, well, kittens, are a blessing. Think of it as… becoming a grandparent, not a burden,” the Headmaster attempted to placate the distraught caretaker, and was most certainly _not_ about to laugh. 

“I believe Hermione Granger has a Kneazel mix…”

* * *

“I just don’t understand how this could have happened,” Hermione said, distraught. “I’m so sorry, Mr Filch. Oh, I should’ve listened to Mum when she wanted to get him neutered.”

Argus sat back in shock. “You wanted to let a muggle _carve_ him _up?”_

“What? No! Of course not. Just, you know, remove his, er, testicles.”

“Remove his _what?”_ Argus yelped, leaping to his feet. “I’ll see you in chains for this! To think you’d rather _mutilate_ that cat than to take responsibility for his progeny! Madness!”

“No, it’s very safe, I…” but Argus had already run from his office.

* * *

“Now that we are all calm, and the process of and intent behind ’neutering’ has been explained, let us see what kind of solution we can come to going forward,” the Headmaster said to the two cat owners. 

“I really must apologise again, Mr Filch,” Hermione said. “I didn’t know Kneazles needed a different sterility charm than cats do.”

Argus grunted in her direction, then rolled his eyes when Albus gave him a pointed look. 

“I… apologise… as well. I may have… overreacted. Just a bit, mind you,” he sneered. 

“Wonderful,” Albus declared. “Now. Shall we plan a kitten shower?”

* * *

“I want them bonded.”

“I’m sorry, what now?” Hermione asked, confused. 

“I want them bonded! Mrs Norris is a good, sweet cat. She shan’t be living in sin.”

“So… she’ll be Mrs Crookshanks?” The girl found the entire situation bizarre. 

“Of course not!” Argus exploded. “He’ll be Mr Norris. Mrs Norris is a widow; has been for years. You won’t be taking her name away from her, young lady!”

“Oh, no, of course not. I meant no offense,” Hermione was quick to explain. “I’m very sorry for her loss.”

“Yes, well, like I said, it was quite some time ago.”

* * *

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_Congratulations! You’re going to be great-grandparents! Crookshanks got the caretaker’s cat up the duff. You were right, Mum. We should’ve had him neutered. The whole situation is absurd._

_Mr Filch wants them to be bonded. They’re cats. Consider this your official invitation, although even if you_ _could_ _come I doubt you’d want to. When I come home for hols, can you make an appointment with the vet? I am NOT doing this again._

_Mr Filch and Hagrid are doing the bonding. He’s also demanding Crooks take Mrs Norris’ name._

_Your loving yet completely exasperated daughter_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Hermione,_

_Oh dear. I don’t know what to tell you. I thought you’d said there was a Charm to prevent this? Ask Mr Filch if he’ll need help finding the kittens homes, please. I do feel somewhat responsible for not insisting we neuter Crooks before you left for school. Let him know that we’ll cover half of any veterinary expenses, as well. After all, he is just as much an irresponsible pet owner as we are for not having Mrs Norris spayed._

_What is Mrs Norris’ first name?_

_I cannot believe I just wrote that._

_Your rather thoroughly disturbed_

_Mum_

* * *

_Hermione,_

_So Crooksie is going to be a daddy! I must admit, I haven’t quite stopped laughing yet. A bonding, really? What_ _is_ _that caretaker on about? Please tell me it’s possible that your Mum and I can be there. It’s not every day one gets to see a cat married._

_Also, please send me some of that Howler paper you told us about. I rather think I’d like to send you a letter expressing my reaction at reading the news. A full letter of uncontrollable laughter would make for a nice start to the day, I believe._

_Love_

_Dad_

* * *

“Why do I have to go to this, again?” Harry asked, pulling at his stiff collar. “I don’t even _like_ Mrs Norris!”

“Because I’ve never asked you to do anything specifically for me before, Harry James Potter, and I don’t want to do this alone!” Hermione replied shrilly. “Ron’s not speaking to me because of Scabbers, _you_ ignored me for _months,_ and now Crooks is getting _married_ and I _didn’t even know that was a thing!”_

“Alright, alright!” Harry hastily assured her. “I’m coming! Where’s Crookshanks?”

Hermione sniffled, then gestured and said, “Lavender and Parvati are…”

“Ahh. Say no more.”

* * *

A contingent of Gryffindors made their way to the pumpkin patch near Hagrid’s hut. Mr Filch was waiting there with Mrs Norris, who had been lovingly brushed until her long fur gleamed in the sunlight. 

“We brought something for the bride!” Lavender exclaimed, and the two giggling girls quickly had Mrs Norris done up in a white dress, complete with veil. 

Crookshanks looked rather dashing himself in his black suit and tie, and Hagrid sobbed into his handkerchief as the two were bonded. 

“This was ridiculous,” Hermione muttered as they trudged back to the castle. 

“You’re not wrong,” Harry agreed. 

* * *

_Mum and Dad,_

_Mr and Mrs Crookshanks Norris are the proud parents of_ _TWELVE_ _kittens. Can you believe it? They really are quite adorable. Eight boys, four girls. Two look just like Crooks, three like Mrs Norris, and the rest are a combination between the two._

_We’re calling them Godric, Helga, Rowena, Salazar, Bathilda, Elphias, Mafalda, Antioch, Ignotus, Rubeus, Cadmus, and Steve. I named Steve._

_Mr Filch is calling himself a granddad, and insists on calling me Granny Granger. Is it too late for me to go back to muggle school? Please, Mummy?_

_Fed up with cats and caretakers,_

_Hermione_


End file.
